It is often encountered that the first year of life with a child is the hardest pair in life. This is generally not surprising: life with a newborn is full of problems, challenges and tasks that couples have to solve together by checking their relationships on strength.
On the other hand, in the first year with the child, many family couples will learn a lot of things about each other (and not always good). Author Today's Parent Catherine Flemming spoke about his experience: about how after the birth of the child, she suddenly had his own husband, and how she was able to solve this problem. Translated its text with small contractions.
"I'm so tired," I told my husband, unsure gait approaching the kitchen table and neatly embrace. The pain from the Emergency Cesarean section, made a week ago, was still pretty fresh, and the requests of an incredibly voracious newborn made me feel as if I had an eternal hangover.
"Yes, I'm tired too," he said. And these words led me to rabies.
I felt how anger rises up my legs while I was sitting opposite him and ate dinner (I should noted - dinner that he prepared himself). I jumped up - furious and unable to squeeze out a word - my teeth suddenly turned into magnets, and I was unable to break the jaw.
Is he "tired"? Something I did not see his breast of swelling and mester milk with pressure, with whom it could be a competent hydrant. And I did not see him to change the bandage after Emergency Caesarean during housekeeping. And all this - in parallel trying not to kill our firstborn. Well, that is, how could he get tired at all?
This I deserved an award of the most tired person in the house.
I retained this anger, saved him as a gem, and then waved them as a weapon, took it during disputes at the speed, which baseball pychers could envy. I pulled it out at random moments during the quorry because who does it to know that in fact I was getting tired of all, and I work most!
So my husband began to inform me.
From almost blissful "wow, it is so cool: we will have a child!" We have come to tender the universe to provide us at least two hours of continuous sleep, and this strongly sank us. We were young parents, our hormones came out from under control, and we felt very uncertain - sometimes it even seemed to us that we would not cope.
And for some razovoy reason, we seemed to us that this is the right time to start the account. I constantly mentally compared our load: washing, washing dishes, feeding, changing diapers, storage of tiny clothes, recording to the doctor, reception of vitamin D, purchase of drugs, tracking the stages of the child's development. It seemed to me that I was doing most of my homework and a child, although it was not clear that this was so amazing.
It was about this that every friend that had ever had been warned.
Over time, thanks to a dream and more established communication about our needs, we managed to find a balance and get used to our new roles: the team of maintaining order (this is me) and the cook for our son (this is a husband), which has now turned into a Corcher Toddler Tornado.
It lasted before that moment until we had a second child, and suddenly we had to change twice as many diapers, it was twice as much dirt and feed twice the mouths.
I reached a boiling point last winter when I slipped with one early morning on my daughter's diarrhea, like on ice. I puff, nozzles and sent telepathic messages to your husband (which at that moment I slept comfortably in the next room), expecting that he will begin to help me with a mop, detergent and support buckets in their hands.
But all he could offer me is a supporting snoring in the next room.
When I was the next morning, I told him about what happened, and about how I was born and confused with the fact that he did not come to the rescue, he replied: "You did not ask." (At that moment, I was captured by silent rage).
When I called Lindi Lazarus, a children's and family psychotherapist from Toronto, she convinced me that it was completely normal to experience dislike for his partner after the child appeared (or two). "For parents, this is a serious change of identity," she said while I felt my level of cortisol decreases. - You have more requests from children, and time for sleep, sex and personal affairs decrease. "
When I ranked about my "Dance Dance", she sympathized with my irritation: "You would like to have a husband with everything, and this is a completely widespread feeling, even though he does not know how to read your thoughts." I felt understood and buried. "But," she added. - It is important to clearly talk about your expectations, it will help prevent the emergence of hostility. " Smile disappeared from my face.
Prevent I am adept of preventing a variety of disasters: on Sundays I prepare a movie in advance to prevent carbohydrate zhor at work at the beginning of the week, I meditate, in order not to allow stress to influence my condition, but when I think about voice out my expectations And to prevent conflict in the future, I can not open my mouth. I think about the fact that 18 years of living together, my husband must absolutely know what I want, in all situations. And sometimes he really guesses my needs before I have a voice.
But here's what bothers me: is there a way to convey my expectations to him so that it does not seem to me that I delegate the duties of the youngest member of my team?Lazarus says that it exists. Concentrate on what you want, instead of criticizing. "Instead of talking:" You never help me, "tell me:" I have a lot of things now. Can you please give a child a bottle instead of me? ""
In the depths of the soul, I know that every time I ask for help, using understandable wording and avoiding exaggerations and condemnation, he gladly helps me and, as far as I remember, I have never refused me. And he constantly praises me for everything I do - but sometimes, when things are getting too much, my brain begins to remember all the bad moments that overshadow any good comments.
But I am strongly configured to learn how to better convey to each other, our feelings - to demonstrate such a behavior of our children (and, of course, to strengthen our marriage), so Lazarus suggested that I try "emotional coaching" - parental technique, which Helps children to determine their feelings.
"It's funny that we have so many empathy and sympathy for children, but at the same time we forget that the feelings of our partner also need validation."The process of emotional coaching consists of three steps. At first, it is necessary to immediately pay attention to a person who is experiencing a strong feeling, give it a name, and then determine what led to the manifestation of this feeling.
So now, when my husband says that he is tired (he finally felt that he could talk about it again), I force myself to admit that he generally can also be tired! I am working to show empathy, speaking about things that can be tired: work with full-time work, on which he spends the whole day on his legs, chronic knee pain and the long road to work and back - and, of course, then that he helps me very much with children in the millions of questions.
Lazarus reminded me that these several years are a temporary failure in the system.
And I am sure that this period is when we are deeply mired to satisfy the needs of our tiny, beautiful little men, and when we had less time and patience to satisfy each other's needs, strengthen the connection between us and strengthen our ability to empathize.
And before, than I have time to come to my senses, our children will grow up, and I will look at these years without sleep and with a lot of poop through pink glasses, and in my face there will be tears. And who, how do I hope, will sit opposite me at the dinner table after all these insane years of parenting? My lovely husband. And I am sure that then he will be even more tired than now.
Still read on the topic