Once I was called and asked to "advise the child." A woman in the tube spoke a very pleasant voice and asked to take her boy. I unsuccessfully I tried to explain to her that the children would not consult. She did not give up and was very persistent. I realized that it was not convicted, I gave up.
At the appointed time, a middle-aged woman comes into the office and with her a man of thirty years old. Probably, a young husband ... It is necessary, he looks like it with something, is the same. And where are their baby? Did you really decide not to take, it seems I would definitely designate that you need to come together?
"Sit," the woman addresses to a man, "this is a chair." - Makes him him.
Then corrects his hair, the collar of the shirt, pulls out a handkerchief from the bag and puts him on his knees. Then chooses an armchair. Takes yourself handkerchiefs and puts next to them.
- Hello. Will we meet? My name is how you already know, Irina Aleksandrovna. How can I contact you?
"My name is Elena Petrovna, and this is my son Vadik," at that moment I almost collapsed under the table.
Is this an adult bearded man, whom I took for her companion, her son?
I understand that the desire to come is fully Elena Petrovna, as well as the whole life and needs of Vadik. Only she knows what Vadik wants. Like in a joke about the Jewish mother: "- Sema, it's time to go home! - I already frozen, mom? - No, seed, you want to eat! "
I start the standard procedure: filling out the forms of the first session. I am sure that Elena Petrovna will answer questions for Dietyatko. So, everything is predictable: only mom is responsible, and the son is sitting, without taking absolutely no participation in what is happening. This is familiar to him.
"Vadim, you will not mind if I first be happy with my mother while you wait in the corridor, and then with you?" - His surprise, which was read in all his behavior, there was no limit.
- Yes, yes, of course, he, without understanding what was happening, left the office.
Mom also noticeably nervous, did not get up from the chair (which is good), only spent his son with a look, probably, was afraid, suddenly he would lose and would not find exit from the office?
- Elena Petrovna. Tell me, please, what bothers you?
- Vadik, my Vadik. I put my life on him. He is already big, and I want little grandchildren, but he doesn't even meet anyone, then he will not marry him. I want him to marry.
- Do you live together?
- Of course, he will die without me. He can not work yet, he just graduated from the institute. I found him a job, but it was a watch, so I said that there is definitely not. He will not go so far and in incomprehensible conditions. Now I plan to start looking for his work, so where will I let him go and what will he live on?
- And his father, he where, if it is not a secret?
- What is the secret! I kicked him out when Vadik was eight years old. Imagine, he sent a diet for bread, and he sat at home and stared at the TV. I came home from work, and the child is not at home, although I myself led my son myself myself, planted under the castle and went further to work. And he came home from work and sent a boy. Self, you see, it was lazy to go, and such as it should be accessed to independence. What is the independence there when the child eight? In general, I gathered his things and kicked him out. Yes, and no one is needed, because I have a child.
"You didn't have any more men after the father of Vadim?"
- Of course not! Do I need them on what?
- At least for female health, how many gynecologists advise?
- Not. I do not need.
After a certain number of clarifying and clarifying questions, I concluded a contract for psychotherapeutic services, and, to my surprise, she asked twenty sessions at once.
- And immediately give me to Vadik, I will sign and pay.
- Not. Will not work. It is important that he himself decided, he wants or not.
- He decided?
- Yes. Himself.
They changed places.
How can a man of thirty years so depend on mom? Easily. He does not know how and does not know how to live differently.
In this story, Mom became a victim of love and care. She lived and earned only her son. I did everything for him, fearing that he would get tired, falls, stupid. She herself knew what he needed.
Her therapy began with bringing it to understanding that he was an adult. With harsh questions about what he will do when it won't. After she realized that he was forever to be near his son, she became scary and very bitterly. It made it possible to go further: remember yourself and learn to love yourself.
Six months later she bought him a separate apartment and moved his Vadik there.
And he? He continued the therapy, learned to look for himself, learned to seek what he likes and what he wants to do, learned to understand other people and their feelings. At first, I got myself a dog, with the words of Mother, an incredible crocodile living in his saliva. Then, walking the dog, met a girl who herself needed supporting and support. And he still wanted to become an adult. They born a magnificent girl, but Baba Lena absolutely no time to do it.
An excerpt from the book "Illusion of the Perfect Life" (Bombor's Publishing House). Irina Daineko is a clinical psychologist, author of more than twenty scientific articles, a columnist magazine "Snob".