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So, in the first issue of a new episristolar format, we will talk about romance. Because Valentine's Day, yes. And although many young parents may seem that it is some kind of bitter irony, I want to assure you that it is not. And the place of romance should be in a relationship between people who grow children together. I tell you as a person who seven years old in love with her husband.
By the way, he does not always encourage philosophical conclusions, but if he is taken for it, he gets something like: "We will be happy as parents, if we are happy as a husband and wife."
And you know, I tend to agree with this. Because the bad relationship between partners eaten the resource, take strength and show the child, as it hurts can be with each other, who seem to be together to love and be happy.
I understand that not always the couple has a desire and the opportunity to keep some romantic relationship, but today let's talk about how to do it if you understand that there is love, but there are no strength.
To begin with, I am in a hurry to console the statistics and opinions of specialists.
Philip Cowen, Ph.D., Professor of Psychology and Director of the Human Development Institute of the University of California at Berkeley, and his wife Caroline Peip Cowan, Ph.D., Adjunct-Professor of Psychology in the same Berkeley, were engaged in the influence of the emergence of children to live a couple since 1975. They launched a huge project BECOMING A FAMILY PROJECT, within the framework of which for several years they watched families from the moment of pregnancy before their children went to kindergarten.
And as part of his research, they found that 92 percent of the parents declared the increase in the frequency and intensity of conflicts from the moment they appear.
This is confirmed by Russian statistics: most of the marriages disintegrate in our first year after the birth of a child. In many ways, just because in a society, a broad sense has not taken a discussion around the parent - many give birth, knowing nothing about what is waiting for them abroad after the child's appearance. It creates a huge gap between waiting and reality.
So my first advice to those who want not only to become parents, but also stay a couple: learn the match. Read books and articles to rot on research, sign up for courses, ask friends, consult with psychologists and make an objective picture of what will happen after you go away from shock that the human body can make another human body.
It is much better if you wait for some kind of tin, and in fact everything will be not so scary for you - the released resource can be used for the benefit of romance.
And to romantics in general, at least once after the birth of the child, it came out, pump empathy and continue to study the match. Especially if you are a man. You may not know, but not all women are able to return to the big (or at least small) sex 60 days after childbirth.
Reducing the libido is the normal reaction of the female organism for the changes that have occurred: the evolutionary mechanism of protection against a new pregnancy, which can jeopardize the well-being of the newborn, will do everything possible so that fertilization does not happen.
This does not mean that it is necessary to completely exclude tenderness and affection from your life.
There is nothing more sexual than trust, understanding and support. Yes, welcome to adult life, where it is not enough to have beautiful hands in the frame of the rapid sleeves of a checkered shirt and a presskin in his pocket. The division of responsibility for a child, joint decision-making, cooperation responsibility for life, household and education - also excellent fuel for reliable relationships, in which there is a place not only by rampant sex, but also calm hugs and dates with a plate of chips under the plaid.
In general, openness to planning (this is irony!) And the revision of the format of romantic relations is a great help on maintaining love relationships between parents. Dates should be part of the parent routine - to leave somewhere without a child vital for two adults in partnerships.
Sitters, friends, nannies, relatives - any option that you consider acceptable for yourself is an excellent solution for the evening that you want to spend only together. In addition, the child himself is also useful to change the circle of communication, expand it and get acquainted with other formats of interaction with adults. If you do not consider separation with the child as an injury and betrayal, it will not be so.
I hear the indignation of some of you. And yes, as a person who does not part with the child even on vacation, I understand you perfectly well. And if first time you do not want to stay without a child (for example, you can be physically uncomfortable because of the tides of milk), do not do it!
Just try to save gaps for romantic moments on everybody inclination: nice words, notes, messages, treats, any little things that will not require the massive investment of physical forces (and at first they become the most deficit product among intangible parents) will be to the place . And I do not speak any about what sexy outfits and erotic quests there, because I do not columnist a glossy magazine, but a living person with six-year-old parenthood experience - I know that sexual tension between the tired parents often preserves only x ** to which they sometimes Want to send each other.
I say that open communication and sincerity must become the key to conservation of romance, and at all who did not bite the Oskovin advice to wear lace panties and fur handcuffs.
As they say, sex is, of course, well, but did you try to talk in words through your mouth?
And since you are talking and agree, you can try to implement planning in your life. Yes, it may sound as soon as possible and even strange: what can you plan with the child in your hands and how will it help us? You know, it's only at first glance seems boring, but actually waiting for a date, sex or just breakfast alone (imagine: You know that in the morning on Sunday, February 14, no one will wake you up, everyone will quickly go, will gather for a walk And they clean the room, and you will wake up and can calmly have breakfast and watch a series of your favorite TV series, m? Sexy, right?) Can act as a catalyst for positive emotions and give a space for creativity and care for yourself.
Pragmatism is not a refusal of romance, this is a common look at what stage your life is.
As Andrew Sofin, President of the Canadian Marriage Association and Family Therapy, most of its customers - people with children under five, so that this period of life can be considered the most difficult to search for balance between parent and romance in relations.
And in this situation it helps to play around: you look at the chaos that happened in your life is not on the well-established pattern (now it will always be), but as a stage (someday it will end), which allows you to smooth the most stressful moments. They do not cease to exist and do not disappear anywhere, but the prospect changes a little and makes life a little more endured, and therefore, which gives the opportunity to continue to be not only parents, but also partners (and vice versa). And this means that when it will finally be easier, you can look at each other and say three cherished words: "We succeed."