The reader writes that from the very beginning of the relationship spoke to the future husband: she does not want children. However, the man was confident that over time her position would change. That she, "like all women," wants to become mom. This did not happen, and marriage cracks on the seams. How to make a difficult choice, will tell a psychologist, Tut.BY.
Losing a close person is easy, but to return the emotional connection or find the same lasting new one - the task is not the simplest. Perhaps you should not heroge and try to independently deal with the problem that seems to you unreserved. We offer you professional assistance from psychologists from the "Center for Successful Relations".
You send us our story, and we publish it with comments by experts. So that we have better understood the essence of the problem, please send the most detailed as possible (of course, as appropriate for you personally) stories. And we will do our best to mood, harmony and peace returned to your home. Anonymity of letters is guaranteed.
- I am 34 years old, married - year. I moved to another country 3 years ago for the sake of my husband - before that we met a year and a half at a distance. My husband was my first man, that is, before that I had no serious relationship with anyone. Husband 43 years old.
Recently, the husband became increasingly saying that we need to plan a child or at least think about it. And I never wanted children and I understand that I also don't want to.
I used to think about this issue too. When it was a notion, I thought I didn't want a child, because I did not have a partner and work that would satisfy me.
All 10 years after the end of the university and before I met my future husband, I was engaged in search of myself - changed a lot of work, went to various courses, even practiced in the theater studio. A few years ago, I began to engage in a private tutoring in a foreign language and realized that I want to develop in this direction. Without a pedagogical education (for basic education, I translator), began to gradually work out experience and was even able to get a lecturer in private schools. I planned in parallel with my main job to learn in absentia to the teacher and gradually move into this sphere. Then I met my husband and moved to Austria.
Here, from the very first month after the move, I began to engage in intensive courses of German, and a year ago I found a small part-time job of English with children. I really liked learning and at the same time to work out - let me earn money very small for local standards, but it's great that I "in case." After the end of the language courses, I entered the pedagogical school and at the moment I study to work after working as a teacher at school. I have to complete learning in 1.5 years. My husband knows how important it is for me and that children do not include in my plans.
I never hid that I do not want them. My friends and relatives said that this is because I did not meet the "my" man. And I thought that over time, this desire would come by itself, like everyone else. Moreover, I seem to me, two problems: perhaps I have the so-called tookofobia - it is when the thoughts of pregnancy and birth cause me a panic, fear and bouts of horror. I even dream nightmares that I am pregnant or give birth - I feel a huge relief when I wake up!
Photo: Pixabay.com.But even imagining that I will get rid of the tokoofobia that my pregnancy will be easy ... I basically do not want a child. And this is my second problem. I do not want a load of responsibility associated with the birth and raising children. And in general, small children never caused me to die, I never wanted to take on my hands or squeezed someone else's child, and with children to 7-8 years old I could not communicate.
At the same time, I do not consider myself a Childhater: I respect my children with respect and tranquility, they do not cause me hostility. At the same time I really like to teach and engage with children English, and more than one: I even emotionally attached to some of my students-schoolchildren. Just raising the child seems to me a very responsible and difficult task. And I know that, theoretically, I could be a good mother, but I just don't want. I do not want to spoil my health, I do not want sleepless nights, I do not want restrictions in terms of traveling to my homeland. There is no grandmothers and grandfathers, which means that it is not necessary to help on care to care for the kid.
I am in kind of owl and wondered to sleep late, I love to do fitness, long walks in the fresh air, I love to cook and enjoy good food with a glass of wine. Before bed, I want to read the book or watch a movie, and not read the fairy tale to the baby and sing him lullabies. Even my hobby is more interesting for me: I like to study the story of the movie and I am self-improvement in this topic, slowly reviewing many old movies, listening to podcasts about them or read criticism.
Previously, I thought I did not want a child, because I did not career, but now I understand that the point is not in this. My husband says that everything will be able to combine, and now I am morally starting to prepare for the child planning. But it seems to me that my need is not in children, but in self-realization, besides, as I have already written, it was hard for me to find a good job and self-realize.
Before the wedding, I spoke with my husband my fears and told that I did not want a child. To which my husband told me, so that I would not worry about, with time everything would come. A year later, I noticed that he began to worry about this issue, and I once again told this moment with him. What my husband said that I am a good and kind person, I love people, and all the good women want children over time and that the maternal instinct will come with time.
And now one another year passed, but I still do not want children. And then my husband was nervous and put pressure on me: he says that it is abnormal. My husband understands me very well, and I consider it my best friend. But when it comes to children, he refuses to understand and take this situation, and recently, these conversations began to call him frank aggression and irritation.
Photo: Eric Ward, unsplash.comHe says that our "watch ticks", we have not been 30 years old, it is necessary to decide soon. And for my question, why is a child person, he says stamped phrases of the type "Children - these are flowers of life and the fruit of love, when we will be, children will be the result of our life, so great to have a small copy of themselves, without children - life is defective, family without children The child is not a family, etc.
For some reason, it seems to me that all these reasons are the fight against existential problems and neurotic attempts to somehow take place. My husband often says to me that he is unhappy in work and in his career, so dreams of a good and strong family. He has almost no friends here, and all our relatives in another country. He believes that the family is his outlet in this difficult life. For my part, I love him very much and want him to be happy. So that we are happy together.
Personally, I believe that children want to convey something from the desire or to increase, and not because "watch ticks." I do not think that the family is only about children. My opinion: relationship (no matter, they or without children) require constant work, besides, both with her husband began to live together pretty in adulthood, he also has the first marriage, and we still get together to each other in some questions. When I got married, I saw our family as a partner marriage, where the main thing is the community of interest, mutual support, joint travel, joint development and pleasure, sports, movies, etc.
Marriage in which spouses are comfortable in each other's society and without children. As now it turns out, we have different views on marriage ... It seems to me that the husband has been in the illusion of what I have (or will appear in the future) the same desire as he has.
I openly asked her husband, what will happen if I don't want a child, what he says, he does not want to destroy our family, but he believes that I will have a refusal from the birth of a child, I, as if I take it the right to His happiness and we will have to part, because it will cool down to me.
I try to calm myself the fact that, perhaps, the husband wants a child at the conscious level, and unconsciously - no, and therefore unconsciously chose his wife, who also does not want children? After all, before me, he had a relationship with a girl who also did not want to have a child (they broke up for another reason).
I love my husband very much and I understand that such a wonderful person is no longer a meeting, so recently I feel anxious that I can lose my husband and let it with him and the little, but still a family. And moreover, over time, I began to catch myself thinking that I envy the fruitless women or women who had miscarriages, or women who could not give birth on a state of health, since they do not have this heavy dilemma, give birth or not give birth. I also think that if now it would be randomly becoming pregnant, I would want to make an abortion or would dream of miscarriage. Sometimes it is scary from such thoughts.
What are the solutions to this problem? Husband against adoption or surrogate motherhood.
Psychologist's response:
- give birth or not to give birth to a child - this is a free choice of every woman. In any case, it became so in the world from the very moment that contraceptives appeared in the free sale, which led to the sexual revolution and control over the process of conception. We had the opportunity to plan when it becomes mom and whether it becomes in principle.
However, there are several extremely important points.
First, you are married, and therefore, this is not your personal question, but the relationship of two people in a pair. The child is a continuation of the relationship, a new stage of love for a person close to you. And in this case, the birth of a child is the absolute adoption of its partner, confirmation that it is the best of you from all billion men living on the planet.
Through your child, we convey further ourselves and our partner, we continue the genus, confirm our value. Let's literally broadcast: "You are worthy of living and continue!"
Parents are really happy to see how a child carries both mother's and mother's papins. Appearance, ability, features of gestures and facial expressions. With such a task, the man cannot cope. Only a woman in a pair can create such a miracle for them two, it is she responsible for the magic of life.
Secondly, a person is not only his thoughts and knowledge. This is also the body. Everything that concerns our body, we are not always and not everyone can realize and control. And it lives his life. You do not control the growth of hair, the work of the knee joint, the production of hormones and the absorption of iron? And the most important thing is that the body, very wise and experienced, carries a huge amount of information accumulated in thousands of years of evolution. And no one can predict in advance how the process of conception of a child, pregnancy and childbirth can occur in your body. This is a huge mystery over which doctors have been fighting for many years.
So why are you sure that your pair "get pregnant" and give birth to a child easily and immediately? Even holding a huge number of research can not predict how much you are compatible with your husband, how much your body is ready for this process. They did not think that you would want, and may simply do not work for physiological reasons. How would your relationship with your spouse?
And the third moment, psychological. In his own personal experience, you, of course, can not be information about how it is to be a mom. How to feel yourself in this role not by externally signs (I slept - I did not sleep; I looked at your favorite old movie - I looked at the same cartoon 105 times), but according to internal subjective experiences. What kind of feeling is "motherhood", what is responding inside the woman?
And that's what is surprising. There is no motherhood experience, and there is fear of him. What do you think, is it possible to be afraid of what you do not know anything that I did not feel in personal experience? For me, this is the same as to say: "The most tasteful fruit on Earth - Peach, I did not eat myself, but I told me about him so much. And the smell, and taste, and in hand it is unpleasant, some kind of durable. "
So, this fear is your memories of your own experienced children's experience. What was this in your childhood, what made the idea of becoming a mom?
Speaking about his husband, you indicate: "For some reason, it seems to me that all these reasons are the fight against existential problems and neurotic attempts to somehow take place." What do you think about him or about your neurotic aspects you say at this moment? After all, our partners are our mirrors. Only a close person will always fall into the most painful point and will indicate it.
Answer to yourself honestly on the question: "What really stands at my unwillingness to have a child? If I had faith myself, what could it be? "
When you can honestly answer yourself for these questions, it will be possible to make a right decision. You can work on questions on your own, but you can contact a specialist. Now there is a wonderful opportunity to work online.
It is important to understand that this situation does not accidentally emerge in your life and will not change by itself. If you can easily understand yourself and your feelings, then you can take a decision about a child with "open eyes", understanding what is the true reason that is behind your choice.
I wish you happiness and inner harmony, whatever you decide. Tut.BY.