I want to establish mutual understanding with my husband ...
Source: Today's Parent, author Katherine Flemming
"I'm so tired," I once said my husband by making a kitchen table and cautiously sitting down. I was still hurt after Cesarean sections, the hungry kid shouted constantly, and I had a feeling of an incessant hangover.
"I'm tired too," the husband replied.
These words instantly brought me out of themselves.
I felt how I was thrown in the heat, and he sat next to me at the table and calmly dinner (I must say that dinner he prepared himself). I got up, not able to even answer (my jaws bore from voltage).
Is he tired? I somehow did not notice that his chest was swollen and frozen milk. I did not see him to change the bandage after an emergency cesarean section in the breaks between housekeeping. And all this - at the same time caring that our newborn is alive and healthy. How can he feel tired? I, I earned a premium of the most exhausted person in the house !!!
I retained this anger, grasped for her, as for the gem, as for the weapons, which I incredibly deftly used during the quarrel. I suddenly snatched him in the process of disassembling, who and what should do at home, proving him that I am tired stronger, because I worked more and harder.
From now on, I suddenly began to be offended by my husband.
Blessed: "Oh, kid, it will be so beautiful!" Moluba was changed to the universe about the night when I could sleep two hours in a row, and it became a real shock for our nervous systems. We were hormonally unbalanced young parents who felt that they would sometimes give a bluff, and they would not cope at all. And for some absurd reason, I felt that I should start to keep an account - who will get more points. All the time I mentally compared our download - washing, washing dishes, feeding, change of diapers, analysis of the clothes, from which the child has grown, visiting the doctor, the control of the reception of vitamin D, the reorganization of the first aid kit. I had a feeling that I was engaged in almost all your homework and care about the child, although I do not know why it was surprised me. This was prevented by absolutely all friends.
A little time passed, it was more common for me to sleep and we began to normally communicate normally and adapt to new roles as a member of the harvesting brigade (I) and the cook for our son, a small curly tornado.
So it was until the second baby appeared, and suddenly there was twice as much diapers, disorder and mouths that need to be fed. And one night I reached the boiling point. This happened last winter, before dawn, when the daughter had diarrhea. I tried to somehow cope myself, slipping, puffing and hanging out, at the same time sending telepathic signals to the next room, where my husband slept sweetly. I needed a rag, a bucket and a lot of a lot of sympathy.
But he only snoring peacefully in his bed.
When I told in the morning about what happened, offended asking why he did not come to help me, he replied: "You did not ask."
Quiet rage filled me.
When I called Lindi Lazarus, a family and children's therapist, she convinced me to be offended by each other when you had a child (or two) - this is normal: "These are very big changes for parents. Children require a lot of strength and attention, and You have less time to sleep, sex and each other. "
When I told her about the case with diarrhea, she replied that it was normal that I was upset, although I really knew that my husband could not read my thoughts. "And yet, it is important to understand your expectations in order not to feel offended," she said.
Prevention. I prefer to do everything in advance to avoid problems: for example, on Sundays I cook a movie so that there are no carbohydrates in the office within a week. I meditate that stress is not stronger than me. But when it comes to telling her husband about his expectations and avoid a quarrel, I prefer to keep silent. I have a feeling that after 18 years of living together, he must know exactly what I want and waiting for him. And sometimes it really managed it.
And also, I was wondering if there was a way to talk to him about my expectations so that it didn't look like that I would give instructions to the youngest team member? It turned out that this method is - it is important to talk about your needs, and not criticize. Instead of the phrase "you do not help me," it is better to say "I have too many things, could you give a child a bottle?"
And honestly, I knew that every time I just and clearly ask for help, he was glad to help and never refuses to do it. And he constantly praises me. But sometimes I feel so overloaded that my brain snags only negative and I just forget about all kind words.
I want us to have mutual understanding with our husband to convey this behavior model to your children (and of course to strengthen our marriage). Therapist advised me to use emotional coaching - parental technique that helps children identify their feelings. It's funny that often we are experiencing empathy and sympathy in relation to children, but completely forget about the feelings of our partners. Practice consists of three steps: the immediate manifestation of attention towards a person who is experiencing emotion or feeling, the designation of this feeling and determining what he led to his appearance.
Now, when I hear that the husband is tired (he is not afraid again to pronounce it out loud), I force myself to admit that he really can tired. I am working to show empathy when he talks about things that can tire him: full-time on the legs, chronic knee pain, and, of course, recognition that he provides me with a huge help with children.
It is important to remember that these short years is like a small temporary failure in the Great Scheme of Things. And I am sure that during this period, when we have to satisfy the needs of our little, beautiful people, when we have so little time and patience for each other, we will strengthen the connection between us and our ability to empathy.
Our children will grow faster than we will give our report. And later I will look at these years, full of sleepless nights and dirty diapers, through rose glasses. And who, I hope, will continue to sit next to me at the kitchen table, separated only by wild years of parenthood?
My dear husband. And I'm sure that by the time he gets tired even more ...