We tell where the conflicts between brothers and sisters come from (and how to keep them under control)
It seems that the enmity between brothers and sisters always existed, regardless of which era or in which country they grow. The mother of two children and a journalist The New York Times Jessica Ground decided to figure out why Siblingi will be enjoyed, and how to reduce the number of bloody battles in families in which more than one child. Translated her article with small contractions.
During the pandemic, my four-year-old and eight-year older came together as never before: I hear a few times in the evening, giggling comes from their room. But the more time my girls spend together, the more they quarrel.
Most often, my children quarrel on the basis of injustice or in the struggle for a place in line.
The most absurd quarrel from the recent occurred this fall, when we came to make influenza vaccinations. The girls were spent due to the one who first will be vaccinated. My older daughter "won" in the dispute, but while she approached the vaccine office, she realized that the vaccination was actually a rather dubious reward.
In those days, when we all locked together at home, and scandals will grow into a real drama, and we are starting to worry about them, that somewhere on our parental way we turned completely at all, since we admit such a number of discord. But, if you believe Janin Vivon, professor of psychology from the University of New Jersey, who studied hostility between brothers and sisters, then "the competitiveness between Sibling is just an existing fact. And we, as Parents of Siblinigov and parents of children, can only try to cope with this as best as possible. "
Studies have shown that conflicts between siblings may occur up to eight times per hour (approx. Ed.: Aaaaaa!). Another study showed that relations between sisters are the most close, but the pairs that include brothers, conflict most.
The number of conflicts is reduced into the pubertal period, they seem to be smoothed. Early and middle children is the most difficult period in aggression plan.
Mark Itan Finberg, Professor of the University of Pennsylvania, Researcher in the field of human health and development
In the study, the co-author of which is Fineberg, is mentioned by the Book of Genesis, which includes "fundamental stories for Western spiritual culture." There are many plots about bloodthirsty and envious brothers - for example, about Cain and Avele or about Jacob and Isave. And all these stories reveal "themes that researchers are studying now: educational deeds, the struggle for parental love and resources, drawing children to conflicts of parents."
The confrontation between sibings exists so long ago that several hundred years ago, when child mortality was significantly higher, children under five years old who had brothers closest brothers or sisters died with a greater fraction of probability. These deaths were most likely associated with the "increasing number of children's infectious diseases in such families, insufficient food of the mother and, possibly, with the struggle in general for parental attention," as Sara Walters says, the associate professor of demography from the London school of hygiene and tropical medicine. Knowing it, I started looking differently to the quarrel of my children because of ice cream.
And although now most of the snakes are not fighting for literal crumbs, from a psychological point of view, these conflicts perform a certain goal: they help children find out that they have a special and unique, in other words this is called "differentiation". Children want their parents to pay special attention to them, so, according to vivons, they will always fight for a special attitude towards themselves ", compared with brothers and sisters. But besides this, their interests and characters can be formed around the skills and desires of their Siblingov.
For example, suppose your eldest son is a star of football. Younger child or children can avoid football or because they are afraid that they will not be as good as their brother, or because they are afraid that they will be better than him - and they are also not ready to risk. Or maybe they both will be in a football team, but the eldest - because he diligently works, and the younger - because he will earn itself the status of a local joker.
Despite the fact that conflicts between sibling are quite expected, this does not mean that you can't influence them. Here are five recommendations from experts on how to deal with the prematched children.
Observe what causes the conflict."Pay attention to what usually happens before the conflict will grow up," says Sally Bevil Hunter, associate professor in children's and family research from the University of Tennessee.
For example, if your children quarrel every time, when they play video games, be nearby when they sit down to play. Listen to specific words and intonations to determine those that sound aggressively and try to intervene before the situation is out of control.
Help them learn to resolve the conflict.After everyone calmed down, try to squeeze your children and discuss the problem "without charges and convictions," Fineberg advises. Give each child the opportunity to speak, without interrupting it, and invite each of them to think of a way to solve the problem.
Already in the younger school age, children are able to "appreciate which of these decisions are beneficial for everyone, and which more likelihood will work and bring pleasure in the future." It is also important to teach them to return to problems when some decisions stop working.
Praise them at all, but criticize alone.If your children show kindness to each other, "praise them strongly and loudly," says Hunter. For example: "I like that you allowed my sister to go first!" But if you scold them, try to do it so that another child does not hear you, because otherwise he can use it as a weapon.
Our eldest daughter enjoys any opportunity to open their younger sister ("Remember, Mom said that you can't jump from the sofa!") So I accepted this advice on my own account.
Try to find moments that all unite.Temperaments and characters of your children can be similar, and may not be. They both can love to dance, and maybe one loves to dance, and the other just wants to play chess. One can be conservative, and the other, on the contrary, freedom-loving. "Try to find general classes that allow everyone to show flexibility, and at the same time maintain contact with each other," Janin Vivon advises.
I brought an example of family evenings with watching a movie as one of these classes, but noted that we usually go out of time to decide which movie we look, because everyone is constantly arguing.
The fact that it takes a lot of time does not detract from the fact that it is something valuable, "says Wivon. - You will encounter conflicts, this is not avoided.
As a result, we all sang together, communicate with each other, eat popcorn, and our children receive valuable skills, for example, such as the ability to find compromises, even if we look at the "story story" for the fifteenth time.
Special Council for Pandemic Time."We all spend each other more time at home, especially in winter," says Hunter. "I think some of these conflicts are quite realistic to solve, offering children to take a walk or run around the house."
Children become nervous when they are long in a closed space, so some physical activity - even if it is a home bar of obstacles made from pillows, "will help to discharge the situation.
Still read on the topic
The term "sibling" denotes children of some parents - brothers and sisters