How to understand that the relationship fall apart: the view of psychotherapists

16 signals that you need help

Not all pairs are destined to live "long and happily", and parting or divorce is just a matter of time. Sometimes the fast breaking of the relationship is noticeable even to other people - and it will be not talking about grandmothers at the entrance, but about professional family psychotherapists.

In early January, a curious thread appeared, which gathered more than seven thousand (!) Comments. The author of Treda, the user with Nick Gnerdy, asked psychotherapists working with couples, to tell about the signals known to them, which indicate that there is something very much in the relationship (or is about to go).

Commentators did not disappoint, so keep a check list consisting of "disturbing bells" for those who are in relationships - if you have noticed something like this, perhaps the time has come to change something, rethink or contact a specialist .

Painful dependence

When one person is completely dependent on the other, especially in a rather young age - depends on both financially, and emotionally. As a rule, these are young girls (although sometimes young guys) who do not work, they have no children, they are sitting at home all day, they have no friends or hobbies in addition to spending time with their partner. It is very unhealthy, and this is a huge "red flag."

As a rule, everything ends with painful and ugly parting. In such cases, we are trying to help such people make friends, join some community, find a job, get a volunteer - to do something that will help them increase self-esteem and implemented outside the relationship.

Milksteakandjellybean.

Uncertainty on one side

When one person says he needs my help to figure out whether they want to keep relations, and the other says he needs help to help them save relations.

Chickensoup4Theroll

Defeating control

Excessive control. I often meet people who ask their partner to send a photo on which it shows a certain amount of fingers to prove that this photo is made in real time. This is an absuse.

Crode080.

Account management

Couples that have agreed on the principle of "You - I am me." For example: "I changed you, so you can spend one night with whom you want."

Or "I betrayed your trust and consumed drugs, so now you can go once and do everything you want." It destroys trust and leads to the fact that offenses only accumulate.

Crode080.

Attempts to change partners

When I see a pair, in which one or both partners are trying to change each other something fundamentally significant. In these cases, we understand where the need for change came from, and the person who want to change, assesses how much for him it is significant. We work on acceptance and tolerance to other people.

LadyLedyLidy

Victims in the name of children

"We keep a relationship for children" - this leads to unhealthy installations, because of which the couple perceives their children as a burden and believes that if they preserve their unhealthy relations, in children somehow everything will be fine.

Children are smarter than we think, and if mom and dad do not like each other, they feel it. If you really, the future of your children is so important, then either fix your relationship or tear them.

NEM3S1S.

Search accomplice

People who come to therapy, suggesting that they should convince the therapist in the fact that they are right, and their partner is not. It looks as if they complain about their partner to the boss, so that he figured out their problems.

Hyujikol.

Nothing good

One of the most significant "red flags", which I notice, working with a young couple - is that they do not remember anything good at all. Part of the family therapy is to remind partners about what they like each other, which initially attracted them to each other, and that there is good between them.

When people come, and they have already been unhappy in relation to the relationship that they cannot remember how it is to be in love with each other, their relationship is already, in principle, hopeless. In order for the therapy to be effective, it is not necessary to be happy, but if you can not even remember anything good, then good, most likely ended.

Tiredmold.

Disrespect for borders

Violation of borders. A little checking the boundaries - normally, but a repeating disturbance of boundaries is a big "red flag". Guys, understanding their borders, the ability to install them and defend very important for your personal well-being. And also learn to respect the borders of other people.

The boundaries should not be permanent, they can change, but sometimes they can change because you deserve access to them or the opposite lost it.

For example, stick to your routine. If you go to bed at 9 pm and wake up to work at 5 am, keep doing it. A decent person will respect this. In the event that a person tries to break these borders, it means that things are not very good.

It may look like this: "Hey, do not go to bed, talk to me, I am lonely" or "so romantic - to speak all night long." If you are not 15 years old, then this is not very romantic. Because of this, you are only stronger than tired and it becomes more difficult for you to look critical of your relationship. If your partner pours out you and laughs at your routine, then, most likely, your values ​​differ greatly. This is not about who is right, and who is wrong - you just have different views.

jbuam

Cream

I'll just say that if you discovered your yell: "Yes, I'm damaging I do not cry at you!", You may have a problem with communication.

BDA-Goat.

Full independence

Active independence is from each other - this is for me the main sign that marriage went under Sun. As soon as I see that partners do everything separately, for example, they take a loan for a car or plan trips, without even consulting with each other, I understand that this couple is already doomed.

Mattrockj.

Permanent conflicts

Very conflict relationship. If frequent and strong conflicts began several months (or less) after the start of the relationship, and continue, steam therapy will be a real booth and will not work. It does not matter whether the conflict continues all the time or sometimes interrupts. This is not only my opinion, there are studies that confirm.

jollybumpkin.

Transformation of flies in an elephant

Constant, meaningless escalation of conflicts. When "I don't think we should buy this expensive thing," turns into "You don't love me!" - This is a big problem.

Psychophilosopher.

Not only love

In my experience, durable and healthy relationships are built on two very important qualities: trust and respect. Love is not included in this list, because love does not define durable and healthy relationships. There may be dysfunctional relationships between loving people. And love for someone is not the only reason to maintain relationships.

Many of the clients with whom I worked were in very dysfunctional relations, which they kept exclusively because of love, but continued to suffer because they lacked confidence and respect. Without these qualities, most relationships are doomed to suffering or failure.

sparky32383.

Help the hall

Too included parents on both sides. When a person is closer to his parents than to the partner, and calls them on speakerphone during conflicts, or when he responds badly about his partner in the presence of his parents, I usually see how such couples live in unhappy marriage. It is sad.

Crode080.

Depreciation

Depreciation. It can take various forms: from gaslighting to direct denial of someone else's opinion. Most of the time, one or both sides are trying to simply be heard at the emotional level on some kind of question or theme, but the other party perceives it as a personal attack of his ideals.

We all know or heard about people who do not agree with everything that others say, simply because they say it. That's what kind of depreciation I say. Attack the problem, not each other. People rarely occupy the same position in conflict, but usually (in healthy relationships) they have very similar values.

Shozo_nishi.

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Still read on the topic

Gaslighting is a form of psychological violence, in which the victim is forced to doubt the adequacy of his own perception.

"You just seem to", "You didn't understand everything," "It was just a joke," etc. - Typical phrases of this manipulation.