Blogger, writer and author of the "fine art of pofigism" Mark Manson found the only useful way to strive for the ideal.
Translation of the "ideonization" edition.
I have a friend who proudly declares that he is a perfectionist. He is proud of it. If something in his immediate surroundings looks "wrong", it is almost reflexively trying to fix it. It makes incredibly high standards regarding what he considers acceptable to others and for itself in particular. Thanks to this, he achieves success. But because of this, it faces problems.
He knows that harsh towards himself, but, according to him, this is just because he wants to become better. And when he is cruel with others, he says what it does from love. He wants people who are not indifferent to him, were successful in life.
But in all this there is one snag: for a person who constantly talks about the need to adhere to high standards and strive for perfection, Bla, Bla, Bla, he actually achieved too much.
He is working on projects for months, without showing them to anyone, because they are still "not finished", that is, imperfect. As a result, he refuses almost from each of them, since at a certain point he sees that one or another project will never be as kind of him mentally represented.
He scolds himself for weeks, months and even for years or for the fact that he did not bring to the end, or for being so stupid to start a "unprotective" project. The years of his life passed in a constant flow of intentions, plans and development, but without a single result.
This is what Perfectionism has led.
Paradox Perfectionism
Understand correctly, I do not encourage you to "reduce the bar." In fact, I think the perfectionism has its place in both professional and personal life (more about this later).But it's funny that perfectionists always fear people who indicate their irrational behavior. This is mainly due to because they consider all the others worth anything, and if so, why follow their advice? This is a side effect of their transcendental standards: no one is worthy of listening to him. Thus, the perfectionist is struggling alone.
When my friend-perfectionist told that he went into a dead end in his current business, I offered him a decision, but he invented all sorts of reasons why it would not work and why "go on a compromise" in such a situation is unacceptable. So passed six months. And nothing was done.
The founder of Amazon Jeff Bezos once wrote in a letter to shareholders that, in his opinion, optimal decisions are accepted when a person has 70% of the necessary information. According to him, if it is less than 70%, then you are likely to take an incorrect decision. But if it is more than 70%, you most likely spend time on something that it is unlikely to change the result.
"Rule 70%" of a chance applies to many things. Sometimes it is better to launch the project when it is ready by 70%. In writing activities, I ship the draft editor when he is 70% complies with what I wanted to say.
The bottom line is that you can always fill out the last 30% after. But 100% can be simply not waiting.
Adaptive and toxic perfectionism
It is important to understand that not all perfectionists are the same.
There is nothing wrong with setting high standards and high goals. You need to work a lot, you should strive for what you want to achieve in your life.
But there is a difference between adaptive perfectionism - the desire for perfection recognizing that the ideal is unattainable - and toxic - the desire for perfection and the reluctance to take anything smaller.
So perfectionism is actually several varieties.
Perfectionism processed
Some perfectionists adhere to their (ridiculous) high standards.There would be nothing wrong with that if they knew how to rebuild their behavior, when things are not going on the plan, but - and it will not be surprised - they do not. They boil like Vesuvius in the heat. They cannot get rid of annoying mistakes, sometimes even years or decades after they made them. They criticize themselves almost for everything that they do.
We will call them "perfectionists addressed on themselves."
Perfectionism facing others
Other perfectionists adhere to a very high plank for others. And it would also be not so bad if they used their high standards to motivate people to do something better, and "better" would be enough.
But again, it is not. They impose such incredible, impossible requirements that no one can ever consciously.
Recall your boss who sins by the micromemage and from which you hear only what I was injected everywhere, or about your condemning mother, which constantly comments on your weight, or about your guy who demanded to tell him everything about your sexual experience so that he can "Make sure that you can trust you" (read: "I need to know if you meet my perfect sexy morality").
We will call them "perfectionists addressed on others."
Perfectionism facing society
And there are perfectionists who believe that other people impose them incredibly high standards.These people usually live in Chaos. They cannot decide what to do with their lives, because they do not know how they will be appreciated by others if the decision is incorrect. They hear condemnation in their heads, but not from themselves, but allegedly from those who surround people, and believe that they do not justify the expectations assigned to them.
These people often argue with their helplessness. Why experience, if it is still impossible to achieve recognition? We will call them "perfectionists addressed to society."
Perfection in the imperfect world
Of course, these three types of perfectionism intersect. Perfectionist facing itself often adheres to incredibly high standards both in relation to itself and in relation to others. Perfectionists addressed to others may try to impose their social ideals to the world around the world. One way or another, terry perforations usually have one characteristic style of behavior to which they are most of the time.
Each of these types of perfectionism is a hidden tendency to impose imaginary ideals of perfection to themselves or anyone else.
- Perfectionists addressed to themselves impose their own ideals to themselves.
- Perfectionists facing others impose their ideals to people and the world around.
- Perfectionists addressed to society impose themselves what, in their opinion, is considered "ideal" in society.
The problem occurs when perceived "perfection" and reality are incompatible.
I repeat once again: there is nothing bad in high standards.
But in imposing these high standards to yourself or other without reservations and healthy skepticism towards your own Chusi, everything is bad. Perfectionists of all majes are prone to black and white type of thinking "All or Nothing": You either fail, or achieve success. Either won, or lost, did something or right or wrong.
Real life occurs in gray zones between black and white. The irony lies in the fact that most of the perfectionists just want the world (they themselves, people in it, etc.) was somehow certain, but they are not able to understand what he really is.
To hell your perfectionism
Perhaps the easiest way to cope with the perfectionism addressed to others. These types of perfectionists at least believe that they have reasonable control over themselves and their closest surroundings, and, therefore, believe that they can change themselves and / or their surroundings.Taking this into account, I suggest you my thoughts on how to get rid of these two types of perfectionism.
How to cope with the perfectionism addressed
You need to learn to treat yourself easier. I know that about eight million people have already told you this, but listen to me to the end.
Unlike pefectionists oriented on others, you are likely to feel about the people who support and encourage their friends and family. When they are mistaken or do something stupid, you do not see them for it and do not tell which they are stupid.
You show compassion. You understand that people make mistakes that they have the best intention that there is a lot of chaos and good luck in life, and none of us can change this. It helps them feel better. It instills in them confidence and sense of security. They see that they have your support and that everything will be fine, even if they are not perfect.
For you it may be a surprise, but you can do everything the same for yourself.
Try. Treat yourself as a friend. Imagine that an error that corps you is a mistake of a close friend or family member. What would you say to them? What would you feel to them? And now do the same in relation to yourself.
How to cope with perfectionism addressed to others
We must admit that your impossible standards do not allow you to experience all the proximity and love that can offer relationships.Admit that you are also far from perfect. Honestly, you climb all the time, and the people around you constantly endure it and forgive you for it - both, and the other you have not learned yet.
How to cope with perfectionism addressed to society
Perfectionists of this type feel helpless in their vital situation. Everyone wants to get them, imposing impossible expectations and condemningly blowing the noses. They see the arrogance and condemnation in the most common words. They expect the worst of any social interaction. They are constantly confused and believe that they do not like anyone.
If you learned yourself in this description, then I want to challenge you! Right from this very moment, take responsibility for everything that happens in your life. Everything. This is what I call "Primary Vera".
And before you start talking: "But, Mark, I'm really not guilty that the world is what it is! How can I carry for this responsibility? !?! " Remember that take responsibility for something is not the same thing that you should take guilt.
Perfectionist addressed to society falls into the trap of what I call the "sacrifice". You transform yourself to the victim of the judgments of other people just because in this way feel important.
The position of the victim gives you to feel in some way special and unique. Therefore, people who constantly come up with imaginary ways to become victims are actually trying to feel special and important, despite the fact that wounded themselves.
Perfection is imperfect
The final solution of the problem is not to get rid of the perfectionism, but the reorientation of your understanding of what is "ideal."Perfection does not have to be the result. Perfection can be a process. Perfection may be an act of improvement, and not the need to do everything right. Strive for greatness. Strive for quality. Strive even to perfection.
But understand: what you have in your head is a wonderful vision of how everything should be arranged, is not perfection. Perfection is the process of eliminating imperfection. To seek something, criticize, fail, and then work on improving. This is a new, imperfect type of perfectionism. This is a functional form of perfectionism. That that does not drive you crazy or people around you.
And I dare even say that this is a useful form of perfectionism.
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